Procedure for Identifying Needs.

Procedure for identifying needs.

Nearly all of the advice I read about recovering from Co-Dependency asks the individual to identify their needs, just that, a single sentence.  I will go out on a limb here, but I suspect that persons skilled in identifying their own needs are not the target audience for articles on Co-Dependency. So let’s talk about identifying our needs. Let’s break it down into steps which while not easy are at least actionable.

Let’s start with the fact that if you are reading this it is likely that you are regularly in a state which we shall describe as short of complete bliss. In other words, you spend a lot of your time pissed off, and if you are Co-Dependent it is possible you are having trouble verbalizing your feelings. The reasons range from shame to fear of rejection.  This is where journaling as a tool comes to the front. Your journal is private or should be, and we can talk about boundaries if it is not. In your journal you can get the thoughts out of your head, you can view them objectively without fear of external judgment. The steps below are targeted at those who use journaling as a tool but feel free to adapt to your own toolset.

1)     Write down the angry words.  If you feel yourself beginning to feel shame or guilt about the words, just remind yourself that this is only the first step in a process. You need this raw material in order to be able to express yourself in a more constructive manner.

2)     Identify the emotions contained in the sentences that you have written. If needed, use the feelings inventory from the Center for Non-Violent Communications. I used a pen to underline keywords that would help me pick out and identify the feelings.  If this was a particularly difficult step, you may find it useful to describe the physical sensations that come with each emotion. As you become more aware of your body and emotional state this part gets easier.

3)     Identify the needs contained in the sentences that you have written. If needed, use the needs inventory from the Center for Non-Violent Communications. Again, identify keywords in order to pick out the needs.  At this point, I tried to drop any specific reference to people, or situations.  My goal is to find ways to get my needs met. I want to proceed with actionable steps I can take, rather than making an inventory of the ways in which I am the subject of actions taken or not taken by others.

4)     Pick one need and write the sentence, “I need more _________ in my life.”  Continue to write about what that need, which if met would look like in your life.  Be specific about kinds of actions experiences in your life which would proceed from having this need met. Include the emotion you would expect to feel.

5)     I am unsure about this next step, but you may also want to write about the extent to which this need is or is not being met.  A contrast between what you write here and what you wrote in the previous step may be helpful. My concern is that doing so may refocus your writing specific relationships or situations over which you have little leverage.

6)     Go on to the next need. Repeat the previous two steps as need, time and desire permit.  

7)     Stop. 

What do you mean STOP!  

Yes, just stop, pause, and take a deep breath. 

You just did an amazing thing. I know the temptation is to come up with a set of actionable steps to implement right now, but this is the time to reflect. You have identified your needs, but what you have on paper is very much in the form of a rough draft.”  This information, these insights are going to bubble in the back of your head. Your mind is not going to let this go. I call it, “Consulting the Great Potato.”  

Come back to this in a day or two.  Read what you have written as a note from the past.  Read it with the accumulated wisdom of being 2 days older.  Edit and revise with the love and compassion you would extend to your younger self.  

Be kind to yourself. 

S. Scott Forrester